i suppose this is what it feels like to be standing on the edge looking down into the gaping mouth of irreversible action.
when was the last time you felt truly naked?
emotionally physically spiritually
balls out.
vulnerable.
i think that's why all of us are so afraid, of death, the ultimate irreversible action.
and yet some would have you believe even that can be defied.
perhaps its nothing. then again scientific, cultural, even spiritual avalanches have started with a moment of epiphany-so i can't discount a gut feeling.
all i can say is,....i've never been this terrified of anything i've created,...perhaps that's because i've never really created anything that felt this personal before. and so relevant.
anyway,...i'm not hiding behind some veil of puffed up righteousness
Sins of the Father will be released very soon, and it will walk on its own legs. whether it takes two steps and dies, or it takes off into the air like a great flying beast,....i can't say.
all i can say is when you've mined this deep,...made yourself THIS uncomfortable all for the sake of finding out your truth, and through that truth hopefully a glimpse of a greater truth that you can share with your friends and neighbors,...well then,...success or failure,... at least i didn't pull back in the last moment. for fear's sake,...
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Saturday, November 22, 2008
commiting to forward motion
do you remember what it was like to stand at the high dive as a kid and look down? all you had to do is walk forward and the decision was made, regardless of how you felt about it you were on your way for good or ill.
and usually it wasn't nearly as scary as you may have made it out to be.
Change, its terrifying, paralyzing,
but it can be liberating,... when you're making decisions based on trust not in someone else to take care of you-but in yourself
you to tend to find a way to make it happen. I'll admit because of the financial crisis even though i'd like to think i'm an empowered individual, fearless of change, i was paralyzed.
but today, i made a change. with assistance from friends with some of the details,...but for the most part just simply creating a formula and following the formula it all fell in line quicker than i expected and i got exactly what i wanted. committing to forward motion, that's it.
this does tie into the sins of the father theme, we are not slaves to the currents of life. if we decide we can guide ourselves and not just be tossed about like listless boats
if believing in a higher power grounds you and it emboldens you into action, great
but for me,...action is the real source of power in life. it's easy to talk, which is what prayer is,...the hard part comes when you have to make the words real. bring them to life with action.
it's terribly difficult like walking away from a girlfriend/boyfriend you've really invested in but knew you were only hurting each other by staying together-that'll gut you right to the core, but when and if you do-that's the amazing part, its never as hard as you think it will be,...
you just have to love yourself enough to say-I DESERVE BETTER, and i will raise the bar for myself.
-ok, its not a huge deal but symbolically it means the world to me, i got my first apartment on the westcoast by myself, its not that i had any issues living by myself-i actually prefer it but i didn't think i could afford it. but, as i said before once i got it in my head this is what i needed, i found a way.
there's ALWAYS a way. you just have to stop talking and do it.
and usually it wasn't nearly as scary as you may have made it out to be.
Change, its terrifying, paralyzing,
but it can be liberating,... when you're making decisions based on trust not in someone else to take care of you-but in yourself
you to tend to find a way to make it happen. I'll admit because of the financial crisis even though i'd like to think i'm an empowered individual, fearless of change, i was paralyzed.
but today, i made a change. with assistance from friends with some of the details,...but for the most part just simply creating a formula and following the formula it all fell in line quicker than i expected and i got exactly what i wanted. committing to forward motion, that's it.
this does tie into the sins of the father theme, we are not slaves to the currents of life. if we decide we can guide ourselves and not just be tossed about like listless boats
if believing in a higher power grounds you and it emboldens you into action, great
but for me,...action is the real source of power in life. it's easy to talk, which is what prayer is,...the hard part comes when you have to make the words real. bring them to life with action.
it's terribly difficult like walking away from a girlfriend/boyfriend you've really invested in but knew you were only hurting each other by staying together-that'll gut you right to the core, but when and if you do-that's the amazing part, its never as hard as you think it will be,...
you just have to love yourself enough to say-I DESERVE BETTER, and i will raise the bar for myself.
-ok, its not a huge deal but symbolically it means the world to me, i got my first apartment on the westcoast by myself, its not that i had any issues living by myself-i actually prefer it but i didn't think i could afford it. but, as i said before once i got it in my head this is what i needed, i found a way.
there's ALWAYS a way. you just have to stop talking and do it.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
hope vs. faith
"there's a trickle down theory at work in the church. The celibate priest advises married couples, the celibate nun advises teen on their sexuality. All i need is faith?
Faith in what? Faith in the fact that i can suspend the human thought process in order to allow for this kind of lunacy? no they say, it's the faith that brings sanity."
-lewis black
i believe strongly that's it more important to have hope, than it is to have faith. hope means you are optimistic you choose to see the good in a situation as opposed to the bad, faith in my opinion means you expect something from nothing. doesn't that seem dangerous?
expectations are dangerous especially when they are fantasies of unconditional acceptance. again a truly human creation. animals in the wild sometimes abandon their offspring. why? maybe there's something wrong with the baby and the mother senses it. but they're so cute and adorable, sad but that's life. death sucks. but it is a part of life, to cheat death or to somehow avoid its finality through fantasy seems to be a tragedy human nature cannot fully cope with. and that therefore effects the quality of life when we are still able to live it. i'm not loved here, i will be loved in death. how isn't that scary? that means that the disturbed can divorce themselves from their actions here on earth because in the end they fully believe the slate will be wiped clean in the afterlife. That gives them all the justification in the world to kill maim rape murder all under the mandate of an imaginary friend they expect will be waiting with open arms to play hopscotch in the clouds after they pass from this life. that is fucking terrifying. such is the power and the delusion of faith.
Faith in what? Faith in the fact that i can suspend the human thought process in order to allow for this kind of lunacy? no they say, it's the faith that brings sanity."
-lewis black
i believe strongly that's it more important to have hope, than it is to have faith. hope means you are optimistic you choose to see the good in a situation as opposed to the bad, faith in my opinion means you expect something from nothing. doesn't that seem dangerous?
expectations are dangerous especially when they are fantasies of unconditional acceptance. again a truly human creation. animals in the wild sometimes abandon their offspring. why? maybe there's something wrong with the baby and the mother senses it. but they're so cute and adorable, sad but that's life. death sucks. but it is a part of life, to cheat death or to somehow avoid its finality through fantasy seems to be a tragedy human nature cannot fully cope with. and that therefore effects the quality of life when we are still able to live it. i'm not loved here, i will be loved in death. how isn't that scary? that means that the disturbed can divorce themselves from their actions here on earth because in the end they fully believe the slate will be wiped clean in the afterlife. That gives them all the justification in the world to kill maim rape murder all under the mandate of an imaginary friend they expect will be waiting with open arms to play hopscotch in the clouds after they pass from this life. that is fucking terrifying. such is the power and the delusion of faith.
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
who would have thought,...
not that it fucking matters but
horray for the people finally finding their voice
what is this a new fucking discovery?! THIS is exactly the reason why the rest of the world reacted so strongly to the decisions that bush and his administration has made,...our country is very diverse and yet the rest of the world only saw one point of view
well guess what,...no more. no more-or so i hope-the entrenched a-holes that have run business as usual continue on,...i hope a REAL change has taken place,...only actions will determine if this is true or if this just another PR spin,...
this is a wonderful moment,...but this is just the beginning of a VERY LONG JOURNEY and trust me the republicans and the hateful fucks that never wanted this to happen will not go quietly into the night,...he's going to have to fight for every inch,...and all i can hope is the wind is at his back for the whole journey,...
congrats---america finally you've shown you're not the a-holes the rest of the world has rightfully assumed you are
j
horray for the people finally finding their voice
what is this a new fucking discovery?! THIS is exactly the reason why the rest of the world reacted so strongly to the decisions that bush and his administration has made,...our country is very diverse and yet the rest of the world only saw one point of view
well guess what,...no more. no more-or so i hope-the entrenched a-holes that have run business as usual continue on,...i hope a REAL change has taken place,...only actions will determine if this is true or if this just another PR spin,...
this is a wonderful moment,...but this is just the beginning of a VERY LONG JOURNEY and trust me the republicans and the hateful fucks that never wanted this to happen will not go quietly into the night,...he's going to have to fight for every inch,...and all i can hope is the wind is at his back for the whole journey,...
congrats---america finally you've shown you're not the a-holes the rest of the world has rightfully assumed you are
j
Friday, October 24, 2008
jesus and mohammed & budha drink pumpkin spice ale
How is it possible that someone could imagine religion without political ties,...?
I mean honestly,...think about what it takes to bring people together,...?
I'll go out on a limb and ask what would it take for you and your neighbors to get together and have a pow wow? if you live in a nice 2-car garage, neighborhood-watch community only a series of robberies or a socially awkward family moving in might cause a stir but for most of us nothing short of a trainwreck in the night will bring us all together
that is unless religion is involved.
religion is a perfect call to arms,...even if i am cool with you as a person when the battle lines are drawn and ultimately you are on one side and i'm on the other strictly based on what you are born (ethinically and socially) into,... logic goes out the window and your loyalty and more importantly your familial ties usually wins. that's what blows my mind about how religion is used in this day and age, its not like in the past where most people didn't have access to a line of history (the history channel) to see what happens when people use nationalism or religion as a banner to rally around,... i mean come ON?!
i understand how important having a ritual is in your life for so many people, i get it-its a gravitational pull it keeps you centered it gives you focus ok fine, but when that pull is LITERALLY pulling people in these ridiculous directions based on political opportunism and by opportunism i mean if i use the word joe blow i'm going to be connecting more with this demographic than i would if i said joe merlot,...
bottom line what frustrates me is that religion is what it is,...it helps people get by
ok, i have absolutely no problem with that
what i DO have a problem with is when "the way i get by" becomes LAW for everyone there is something totally fucked about believing you have all the right answers,...you've gotta ask yourself if you do believe in a higher power don't you think that's pretty fuckin' vain to assume you can tap into what it is that made all this possible? i mean talk about naive, you think that the power that made set the forces in motion to spin universes into existence gives a fuck about your ability to play chop sticks?
but that's ultimately what it comes down to,...a few salesman looking to sell you something you don't need, so they have to convince you that you are missing what they are selling (salvation from a manmade doomsday) and they've got the only solution
boy sounds like a bad infomercial
anyway,...i'm just talkin'
maybe there is some magical dude waiting for me to take his/her/its name in vain and then i'll get a good ol' fashion smoting
BLADOW
I mean honestly,...think about what it takes to bring people together,...?
I'll go out on a limb and ask what would it take for you and your neighbors to get together and have a pow wow? if you live in a nice 2-car garage, neighborhood-watch community only a series of robberies or a socially awkward family moving in might cause a stir but for most of us nothing short of a trainwreck in the night will bring us all together
that is unless religion is involved.
religion is a perfect call to arms,...even if i am cool with you as a person when the battle lines are drawn and ultimately you are on one side and i'm on the other strictly based on what you are born (ethinically and socially) into,... logic goes out the window and your loyalty and more importantly your familial ties usually wins. that's what blows my mind about how religion is used in this day and age, its not like in the past where most people didn't have access to a line of history (the history channel) to see what happens when people use nationalism or religion as a banner to rally around,... i mean come ON?!
i understand how important having a ritual is in your life for so many people, i get it-its a gravitational pull it keeps you centered it gives you focus ok fine, but when that pull is LITERALLY pulling people in these ridiculous directions based on political opportunism and by opportunism i mean if i use the word joe blow i'm going to be connecting more with this demographic than i would if i said joe merlot,...
bottom line what frustrates me is that religion is what it is,...it helps people get by
ok, i have absolutely no problem with that
what i DO have a problem with is when "the way i get by" becomes LAW for everyone there is something totally fucked about believing you have all the right answers,...you've gotta ask yourself if you do believe in a higher power don't you think that's pretty fuckin' vain to assume you can tap into what it is that made all this possible? i mean talk about naive, you think that the power that made set the forces in motion to spin universes into existence gives a fuck about your ability to play chop sticks?
but that's ultimately what it comes down to,...a few salesman looking to sell you something you don't need, so they have to convince you that you are missing what they are selling (salvation from a manmade doomsday) and they've got the only solution
boy sounds like a bad infomercial
anyway,...i'm just talkin'
maybe there is some magical dude waiting for me to take his/her/its name in vain and then i'll get a good ol' fashion smoting
BLADOW
Friday, October 17, 2008
so a gun and a fundamentalist go into a bar,...
a couple of days ago it finally occurred to me why guns enthusiasts are usually enthusiastic about religion as well. because in the end they serve the same purpose.
let's go down the list and see what we can see, shall we?
hostile environment
GUN:
provide a sense of relief from harm and a way to defend oneself in a hostile environment
RELIGION:
provide a sense of relief from harm and a way to defend oneself in a hostile environment
distance
GUN:
allows a user to distance themselves from the actual act of taking life or harming another human being
RELIGION:
allows a user to distance themselves from the actual act of taking life or harming another human being by claiming a force bigger than myself compelled me to action.
entitlement
GUN:
using a weapon may give you the temporary sense that you are in control and therefore your demands will be met because the alternative is a horrible fate
RELIGION:
using religion as a means of control through fear of the alternative, a horrible fate.
on its own
GUN:
an amazing technological advancement
RELIGION:
an amazing conditioning advancement
i may be wrong,...but this sounds right.
let's go down the list and see what we can see, shall we?
hostile environment
GUN:
provide a sense of relief from harm and a way to defend oneself in a hostile environment
RELIGION:
provide a sense of relief from harm and a way to defend oneself in a hostile environment
distance
GUN:
allows a user to distance themselves from the actual act of taking life or harming another human being
RELIGION:
allows a user to distance themselves from the actual act of taking life or harming another human being by claiming a force bigger than myself compelled me to action.
entitlement
GUN:
using a weapon may give you the temporary sense that you are in control and therefore your demands will be met because the alternative is a horrible fate
RELIGION:
using religion as a means of control through fear of the alternative, a horrible fate.
on its own
GUN:
an amazing technological advancement
RELIGION:
an amazing conditioning advancement
i may be wrong,...but this sounds right.
Monday, October 6, 2008
no exceptions
I'm going to be honest, with the economy falling apart one bank at a time, feeling the pinch at work from lagging sales, two wars that like the energizer bunny on crank keep going and going and going, prices at the grocery store steadly climbing and as soon as the election has passed those gas prices will jump back up as well,...its enough to make anyone say ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! If there is a grand force in this universe that cares enough to tell us not to covet our neighbor's wife-ox-or 50 inch plasma then why in the hell can't this force intervene and give us the struggling ants a break!
but as soon as i throw up my hands in utter emotional exhaustion i am forced to remind myself,...how arrogant am i to think what i'm experiencing right now is specifically directed at me. EVERYONE is suffering, and to be disturbingly real about it we (americans) have been terribly spoiled for the most part and only now are we getting a small glimpse at what life looks like to most of the rest of the world,...uncertain, strapped for liquidity, and skeptical of its governing elite not only in politics but in business as well.
surrendering the ego and leaning back to gain perspective on a problem reveals why albert einstein and baruch spinoza believed in the same definition of a higher power. There is no doubt that something vastly powerful created all this,...there was a beginning,...an unfathomable spark in the void that vomitted forth a system that survives and thrives on a set of rules some we have come to understand others we have yet to discover but this system keeps everything in balance chaos and order light and dark humility vanity the pendulum exists not because it wants to, it just is. It is a sobering epiphany when you close your eyes that no special force is specifically watching over you while you sleep, you ARE NOT bound. you are free to fail or succeed, or be indifferent in your life. the system will not be moved to make an exception for you. the system is indifferent. its beautiful and its beyond me to understand it but i can appreciate it for what it is and like einstein and spinoza did, be perpetually in awe and never stop picking at the system hoping to uncover more and more of its beauty and its harshness,...because like it or not i'm not satisfied with the condescending emotional roadblock that my parents threw out occasionally when i asked them a question they didn't know the answer to "It just is what it is, when you get older then you'll understand." fuck that. what i'm learning is that when you get older you only learn how to justify your own laziness better,...that's all.
but i digress, this mess america finds itself in is not a sign that the devil lives on wallstreet,...its a simple cause and effect equation. a bunch of people thought they deserved to be rich while the people they were supposed to be helping deserved to get got-and since the people we've elected to represent us often sleep with the same gordon geckos that masterminded this entire bloody mess they of course were waiting for their money shot while we the american people got it right, in, the eye.
the laws exist,...even when we don't see them. they exist. indifferent, layered, and final.
its only scary when we think we're special, then vainly we think we can manuever through those rules and not get caught, and that's when the universe gives us that disturbing wake up call...
THERE ARE NO EXCEPTIONS
but as soon as i throw up my hands in utter emotional exhaustion i am forced to remind myself,...how arrogant am i to think what i'm experiencing right now is specifically directed at me. EVERYONE is suffering, and to be disturbingly real about it we (americans) have been terribly spoiled for the most part and only now are we getting a small glimpse at what life looks like to most of the rest of the world,...uncertain, strapped for liquidity, and skeptical of its governing elite not only in politics but in business as well.
surrendering the ego and leaning back to gain perspective on a problem reveals why albert einstein and baruch spinoza believed in the same definition of a higher power. There is no doubt that something vastly powerful created all this,...there was a beginning,...an unfathomable spark in the void that vomitted forth a system that survives and thrives on a set of rules some we have come to understand others we have yet to discover but this system keeps everything in balance chaos and order light and dark humility vanity the pendulum exists not because it wants to, it just is. It is a sobering epiphany when you close your eyes that no special force is specifically watching over you while you sleep, you ARE NOT bound. you are free to fail or succeed, or be indifferent in your life. the system will not be moved to make an exception for you. the system is indifferent. its beautiful and its beyond me to understand it but i can appreciate it for what it is and like einstein and spinoza did, be perpetually in awe and never stop picking at the system hoping to uncover more and more of its beauty and its harshness,...because like it or not i'm not satisfied with the condescending emotional roadblock that my parents threw out occasionally when i asked them a question they didn't know the answer to "It just is what it is, when you get older then you'll understand." fuck that. what i'm learning is that when you get older you only learn how to justify your own laziness better,...that's all.
but i digress, this mess america finds itself in is not a sign that the devil lives on wallstreet,...its a simple cause and effect equation. a bunch of people thought they deserved to be rich while the people they were supposed to be helping deserved to get got-and since the people we've elected to represent us often sleep with the same gordon geckos that masterminded this entire bloody mess they of course were waiting for their money shot while we the american people got it right, in, the eye.
the laws exist,...even when we don't see them. they exist. indifferent, layered, and final.
its only scary when we think we're special, then vainly we think we can manuever through those rules and not get caught, and that's when the universe gives us that disturbing wake up call...
THERE ARE NO EXCEPTIONS
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
