on the horizon

well, its been quite the journey. a lot of false starts, a lot of doubt, fear about the ramifications of what i was attempting to do-in terms of scope and in terms of content,...fatigue both emotionally and artistically,...

BUT all this is finally coming to an end. well at least the first leg of the trip.

i'm finishing up the art for chapter 4, which after careful consideration i decided to add to this first volume so it would be balanced two chapters with our wayward antihero 'bastion, and two chapters with our lionness in hiding fuana. soon i'll be posting some random panels to give you all a taste of what's to come but i first have to acknowledge the sheer magnitude of what i was attempting to do, and now that i'm very close to seeing the first phase of this project come to fruition i want to say right here, and right now-to all of those aspiring writer/artists out there,.... holy crap. all i can say is LOVE YOUR SUBJECT MATTER. and when i say love i should really say have an obsession about it. because that is the ONLY thing that will help you stay on the path when there is absolutely no light at the end of the tunnel to guide you-in terms of editors, deals, or in my case creative assistance. of course no man is an island, i've had invaluable help amongst my friends, but NO ONE will lift that pencil, or type the letter but you. when this is the case,...my friends, you will stare into the abyss and it will scream right back into your face drenching your face in all your insecurities and fear like warm stringy saliva.

and its at that point. and only that point, where you find out if you really want it or not. there's nothing romantic about it. or at least in my case that's how it is. i just decided to put my head down and trudge through it. all the muck-and distractions-and confusion. keep moving forward one panel, one word at a time.

and wouldn't you know it,...it took some time but finally its fallen in place.

thanks again for all your support those who are following this, and those i haven't met yet that stumbled across this blog-i welcome you and all your comments and questions. even if they're angry ones. because afterall, if its not touching a nerve its probably dull anyway.

naked and unashamed

i suppose this is what it feels like to be standing on the edge looking down into the gaping mouth of irreversible action.
when was the last time you felt truly naked?
emotionally physically spiritually
balls out.
vulnerable.
i think that's why all of us are so afraid, of death, the ultimate irreversible action.
and yet some would have you believe even that can be defied.
perhaps its nothing. then again scientific, cultural, even spiritual avalanches have started with a moment of epiphany-so i can't discount a gut feeling.
all i can say is,....i've never been this terrified of anything i've created,...perhaps that's because i've never really created anything that felt this personal before. and so relevant.
anyway,...i'm not hiding behind some veil of puffed up righteousness
Sins of the Father will be released very soon, and it will walk on its own legs. whether it takes two steps and dies, or it takes off into the air like a great flying beast,....i can't say.
all i can say is when you've mined this deep,...made yourself THIS uncomfortable all for the sake of finding out your truth, and through that truth hopefully a glimpse of a greater truth that you can share with your friends and neighbors,...well then,...success or failure,... at least i didn't pull back in the last moment. for fear's sake,...

commiting to forward motion

do you remember what it was like to stand at the high dive as a kid and look down? all you had to do is walk forward and the decision was made, regardless of how you felt about it you were on your way for good or ill.
and usually it wasn't nearly as scary as you may have made it out to be.
Change, its terrifying, paralyzing,
but it can be liberating,... when you're making decisions based on trust not in someone else to take care of you-but in yourself
you to tend to find a way to make it happen. I'll admit because of the financial crisis even though i'd like to think i'm an empowered individual, fearless of change, i was paralyzed.
but today, i made a change. with assistance from friends with some of the details,...but for the most part just simply creating a formula and following the formula it all fell in line quicker than i expected and i got exactly what i wanted. committing to forward motion, that's it.
this does tie into the sins of the father theme, we are not slaves to the currents of life. if we decide we can guide ourselves and not just be tossed about like listless boats
if believing in a higher power grounds you and it emboldens you into action, great
but for me,...action is the real source of power in life. it's easy to talk, which is what prayer is,...the hard part comes when you have to make the words real. bring them to life with action.
it's terribly difficult like walking away from a girlfriend/boyfriend you've really invested in but knew you were only hurting each other by staying together-that'll gut you right to the core, but when and if you do-that's the amazing part, its never as hard as you think it will be,...
you just have to love yourself enough to say-I DESERVE BETTER, and i will raise the bar for myself.
-ok, its not a huge deal but symbolically it means the world to me, i got my first apartment on the westcoast by myself, its not that i had any issues living by myself-i actually prefer it but i didn't think i could afford it. but, as i said before once i got it in my head this is what i needed, i found a way.
there's ALWAYS a way. you just have to stop talking and do it.

hope vs. faith

"there's a trickle down theory at work in the church. The celibate priest advises married couples, the celibate nun advises teen on their sexuality. All i need is faith?
Faith in what? Faith in the fact that i can suspend the human thought process in order to allow for this kind of lunacy? no they say, it's the faith that brings sanity."
-lewis black
i believe strongly that's it more important to have hope, than it is to have faith. hope means you are optimistic you choose to see the good in a situation as opposed to the bad, faith in my opinion means you expect something from nothing. doesn't that seem dangerous?
expectations are dangerous especially when they are fantasies of unconditional acceptance. again a truly human creation. animals in the wild sometimes abandon their offspring. why? maybe there's something wrong with the baby and the mother senses it. but they're so cute and adorable, sad but that's life. death sucks. but it is a part of life, to cheat death or to somehow avoid its finality through fantasy seems to be a tragedy human nature cannot fully cope with. and that therefore effects the quality of life when we are still able to live it. i'm not loved here, i will be loved in death. how isn't that scary? that means that the disturbed can divorce themselves from their actions here on earth because in the end they fully believe the slate will be wiped clean in the afterlife. That gives them all the justification in the world to kill maim rape murder all under the mandate of an imaginary friend they expect will be waiting with open arms to play hopscotch in the clouds after they pass from this life. that is fucking terrifying. such is the power and the delusion of faith.

who would have thought,...

not that it fucking matters but
horray for the people finally finding their voice
what is this a new fucking discovery?! THIS is exactly the reason why the rest of the world reacted so strongly to the decisions that bush and his administration has made,...our country is very diverse and yet the rest of the world only saw one point of view
well guess what,...no more. no more-or so i hope-the entrenched a-holes that have run business as usual continue on,...i hope a REAL change has taken place,...only actions will determine if this is true or if this just another PR spin,...
this is a wonderful moment,...but this is just the beginning of a VERY LONG JOURNEY and trust me the republicans and the hateful fucks that never wanted this to happen will not go quietly into the night,...he's going to have to fight for every inch,...and all i can hope is the wind is at his back for the whole journey,...

congrats---america finally you've shown you're not the a-holes the rest of the world has rightfully assumed you are
j

jesus and mohammed & budha drink pumpkin spice ale

How is it possible that someone could imagine religion without political ties,...?

I mean honestly,...think about what it takes to bring people together,...?
I'll go out on a limb and ask what would it take for you and your neighbors to get together and have a pow wow? if you live in a nice 2-car garage, neighborhood-watch community only a series of robberies or a socially awkward family moving in might cause a stir but for most of us nothing short of a trainwreck in the night will bring us all together
that is unless religion is involved.
religion is a perfect call to arms,...even if i am cool with you as a person when the battle lines are drawn and ultimately you are on one side and i'm on the other strictly based on what you are born (ethinically and socially) into,... logic goes out the window and your loyalty and more importantly your familial ties usually wins. that's what blows my mind about how religion is used in this day and age, its not like in the past where most people didn't have access to a line of history (the history channel) to see what happens when people use nationalism or religion as a banner to rally around,... i mean come ON?!

i understand how important having a ritual is in your life for so many people, i get it-its a gravitational pull it keeps you centered it gives you focus ok fine, but when that pull is LITERALLY pulling people in these ridiculous directions based on political opportunism and by opportunism i mean if i use the word joe blow i'm going to be connecting more with this demographic than i would if i said joe merlot,...
bottom line what frustrates me is that religion is what it is,...it helps people get by
ok, i have absolutely no problem with that

what i DO have a problem with is when "the way i get by" becomes LAW for everyone there is something totally fucked about believing you have all the right answers,...you've gotta ask yourself if you do believe in a higher power don't you think that's pretty fuckin' vain to assume you can tap into what it is that made all this possible? i mean talk about naive, you think that the power that made set the forces in motion to spin universes into existence gives a fuck about your ability to play chop sticks?

but that's ultimately what it comes down to,...a few salesman looking to sell you something you don't need, so they have to convince you that you are missing what they are selling (salvation from a manmade doomsday) and they've got the only solution

boy sounds like a bad infomercial

anyway,...i'm just talkin'
maybe there is some magical dude waiting for me to take his/her/its name in vain and then i'll get a good ol' fashion smoting

BLADOW

so a gun and a fundamentalist go into a bar,...

a couple of days ago it finally occurred to me why guns enthusiasts are usually enthusiastic about religion as well. because in the end they serve the same purpose.

let's go down the list and see what we can see, shall we?

hostile environment
GUN:
provide a sense of relief from harm and a way to defend oneself in a hostile environment

RELIGION:
provide a sense of relief from harm and a way to defend oneself in a hostile environment

distance
GUN:
allows a user to distance themselves from the actual act of taking life or harming another human being
RELIGION:
allows a user to distance themselves from the actual act of taking life or harming another human being by claiming a force bigger than myself compelled me to action.

entitlement
GUN:
using a weapon may give you the temporary sense that you are in control and therefore your demands will be met because the alternative is a horrible fate

RELIGION:
using religion as a means of control through fear of the alternative, a horrible fate.

on its own
GUN:
an amazing technological advancement

RELIGION:
an amazing conditioning advancement

i may be wrong,...but this sounds right.